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7 months can change a lot in a person’s life.

Trials, defeat, debts, disappointments, rejections, challenges, motivations, joy, tears, pain, confusion, happiness, friends. All are temporary.

But you know what’s permanent?

The change it had in you.

The change it had in me.

Midyear. 7 months had passed since 2009 came. See, lots of things happened that I did not ever expect to happen at all. Things that I never thought I can do. Things I learned which I thought I already know. Things that have made me a better person.

But you know, I could still definitely be better.

This year I have made decisions which I thought I will never think of. I have made sacrifices I thought would never come. I have made a lot of excuses and disappointed people, and that I hated myself for. I have made mistakes, cried, and felt like giving up which is so not me. Sure in the past I’ve made mistakes, cried and disappointed people and even made excuses. But this year is different. Like a different kind of level. I cry almost every other day every week. Confused myself with a lot of options and things running through my mind. Suddenly, I didn’t know what was for me. Didn’t get what exactly God was trying to tell me to do. Don’t know what exactly God wants me to do. And until now, I still don’t. Although He showed me the way, and it’s just all up to me if I continue to take which way.

Back then, I thought when I entered college that this is the life I wanna live. This is what I wanna be. This is what I’ve always wanted to do because this is what I always loved to do. Art is my passion. I still wanna do it, yes. Of course! I’ve always been crazy about learning and education especially about art. There’s really nothing there to be confused about. But what made me is the thought what God really wants me to do with my life. What are His plans for me? I wouldn’t know it all in one go. Because if I did and learned that it would be too big for me to handle, I’d back out and God won’t be able to make the things He wants me to do.

I’m 18 and I think about a lot of things. Decisions, actions, plans for the present and future. All long-term plans. I really don’t have to have the burden and pressure, but I choose to have that because I wanted to. There was really no burden and pressure in the first place. It just comes because you want to be a better person not just for yourself, but also for the people you love.

I should be having fun, just studying, and hanging out with my friends. I see photos of people I know back in high school and the things my college mates have done and are doing, and suddenly I feel left out. I feel like I’m missing out on something. I feel like I’m being left behind with their achievements and the improvements they have gotten since. I feel like I’m being left out on the fun stuff they are doing with what gimmicks and late-night hang-outs.

It’s not that I am prohibited to do so. I’m not. My parents or brothers are not so strict anyway. They allow me to go out whenever or do whatever I please as long as it’s doesn’t do me any harm. It’s just that I chose the other way. Some went with me, some was in line too. Only some realized the things I realized. Friends? They come and go. But in times like these, I definitely know who my true friends are.

You know I always think that I thought a lot about what other people would think of me. My actions and decisions. All of the decisions I had made myself, made people think twice if I’m choosing the right one. And I think about their stand and not just my stand. But in the end, it’s all up to me.

And I choose to be independent. I choose to be better. I choose to be responsible. And I chose to do all these things for the people who, no matter what, will always be there for me– my family and God. I choose to be there for them when they need me the most. I choose to be there for them and we’ll all help each other get back to where we once used to be. I just choose to be there for them. It won’t probably be as much as how they have always been there for me to support, to encourage, to cheer me on, to comfort me and to even pay for  something I have caused myself. But they’ve always been so understanding no matter how I disappoint them and cause them problems which makes me feel like a burden. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do. And I also choose to do something about it.

And you know what’s good about that? Our parents are happy that we help each other as a family. And me & my brothers are closer than ever. More than I could ever imagine. I love them so much and I don’t know how I’d do without them. They’re the ones who believe in me so much when no one else does and even when I don’t. They’re the ones who stick up for me and support me with whatever I decide to do. They’re the ones who cheer me on when I’m down. Sometimes I’m really scared to look at them in the eye because when I’m thinking about something deep or a problem, just one look, and they’d know. Even if I lie to them and say I’m okay, they know I’m not. No one else can do that except for them.

And I choose to do this for Him. Because He didn’t give me this just for me to throw and walk away from. Because He didn’t give us this with such humor and signs just for us to let it all go. Because He wants me to be a better person. Because He wants me to know that I could be better. Because He wants to use me to make a difference. You know, now, I don’t want to do things just because for myself. I want to do things for my family, for other people and for Him. That’s where I find my happiness.

This year, I have learned that I have pride which didn’t really bother me then. I have a pride lesser than other people. But I learned I have pride.

This year, I have learned a lot of things that have opened my mind to reality. I have learned a lot of things, A LOT OF THINGS, that can change my life forever.

This year, has been life changing.

Spiritual-wise and career-wise, it’s been good. I thank God for bringing me to Cornerstone. Things has just been better. Although it has also been hard, but I say, bring it on! And trust me, this is harder than a teenage heartbreak. I ask, how many more tears am I going to cry? How many more times will I get hurt? It doesn’t matter. As long as I learn and makes me a better person.

The fun stuff and hanging out and gimmicks? Screw it. I’d rather spend my time and money on something worthwhile. And then, I could do it after. I’m still young. And when I do at least, I’m spending money I earned on my own rather than spending money my parents gave me even if I know they need it more than I do. And oh yeah, because of a certain situation/problem recently, I’ve totally totally realized how different and nicer it would be to have financial freedom. No matter how many times I’ve heard it from my brothers and read it in books, it’s different when you experienced something that would let you realize how great financial freedom would be. It’s not of the things you can buy from it– financial freedom includes spending less than what you earn so you can save more– but it’s when you can sleep soundly at night knowing you are debt-free and not thinking about how you’re going to come up with money just to have something to pay for it.

Some people would not understand now. But they will. And if they know and get me, then they’ll understand why.

It’s just been the middle of the year. Lots of things happened and will happen. I’m actually pretty excited of what’s in store for the months to come! ‘Cause I know God is doing something great in my life. And I trust Him with His plans for me ’cause He’s my Creator and He knows better.

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I have a draft I wrote yesterday but wasn’t able to continue it. Both are related, but this will do for now. :] And yeah, that other one is password protected. =]